free love

So I just received a shiny silver envelope in my mailbox at work. It’s an influenza kit from human resources. Inside the kit is small bottle of Purell, a pack of halls cough drops, hand sanitizing wipes, energy C vitamin packs, medicated lip balm and of course a coupon for a free bottle of juice. At first I thought what a nice gesture and I can really use this stuff. I love Purell.

It reminded me of the care packages that parents send their kids in college during finals with cookies and junk food. But then the businessman inside me remembers Friedman’s “no free lunch” and so I started to analyze the gift, perhaps over analyze. Why is HR spending this extra money on its employees? Is it the same love that caused the parents to send their kids care packages in college? No. There is no love in business. Everyone knows that. So what is it? It’s simple. When an employee is sick it costs the company money because the employee gets paid for staying home and not producing. If the company can spend a little money and decrease the sick days it might be worth it. I’m sure someone did the math on this one and that’s why this Purell bottle is so damn small. I wonder if the higher up executives got more stuff like a face masks and a flu shots where as the hourly employees only get the Halls. Bet they didn’t do that much math.

I think companies would be a lot smarter if they just made a firm policy that states “if you’re sick stay home”. The biggest lose of productivity comes from employees getting other employees sick.

And back to the parents and love for a second. You thought I’d leave that alone? No you didn’t.

I won’t get into the details but parents invest a lot of money into their kids education….you know where I’m going with this.

So that leaves us with a twist on Friedman’s lunch. Is there such thing as free love?

usa vice pres shoots friend in face

By accident!

The facts according to CNN:

“-- it seems the facts about the incident are not in dispute. Cheney was hunting. Cheney's friend also was hunting. They carried shotguns. They were shooting at birds. They got temporarily separated. One mistakenly fired on the other while trying to shoot a bird.”

Turns out there exists a form called the “hunting accident and incident report” . That alone should be a big red flag for our vice president or for that matter, any human. But you won’t believe this. On the second page of the form you have to check the box that applies to your incident:
-Victim moved into line of fire
-Victim covered by shooter who was swinging on game
-Victim out of sight of shooter
-Victim mistaken for game

This guy really might die. I think the Cheney team is out looking for his replacement. If you know anyone who is 5’8” gray balding hair, can talk politics and likes to hunt quail call 888-save-our-VP.

is it me?

So I'm boarding the 100% full northwest airlines flight from memphis to lax and when I get on the plane 90% of the passengers are already seated. With my two carry on pieces of luggage I look for 13D. When I get there the overhead storage bin above my seat is already closed and a waitress, or whatever they call themselves, is standing a few rows back. When I reach up to open the bin she says in a firm voice "if it's closed that means it's full, but there is space for it back here." And of course all the passengers are seated and at attention awaiting her next command. Now do I want my bag stored three rows behind my seat so when we land I have to fight to get back there and then I lose my position to d-board? Of course not. So I reply "No, people just throw their stuff up there and close it so it's not full when they leave" and then I open it and damn it's pretty full. But now I'm on the hook. It looks tough but it's not impossible. I take the down jacket and squeeze a little air out of it, move the shopping bag on top of the garment bag and slide them tightly against the jacket. This creates just enough space to barely fit my suitcase up there but it's in there. I then try to close the bin and it doesn't latch. Oh no. I try a few more times and it still doesn't catch. I then try one more time and this time I close it and put a little extra umph in the follow through and bam it closes. Oh what a feeling. I look around at all the staring eyes and no one applauds, not even a smile. I take a quick bow and then my seat.
Ahhh the friendly skys.

lavatory

I just got back from the "lavatory". And why do they call it that? It's a bathroom or that symbol of a man and a woman and that's it, maybe restroom. Anyway on the mirror in the "lavatory" there is a sign that reads "after you've completed please kindly use a towel to wipe off the water basin for the next passenger"

WHAT THE FUGIN!? I'm pissed. Where do they, and who is they, get off thinking that this is any different than an a fukcing restaurant?? God damn it. This is nothing more than a flying bad fast food restaurant and not even McDonalds would dare ask it's patrons to clean the fukcing toilet.

Wwwwooon...twwwoooo.......threeee...and deep breaths......

Ok I feel a little better.

sold out

I walk into an ice cream shop that I like because they have the best chocolate chip ice cream. Sometimes I try other flavors but this time I want the chocolate chip because they ran out of it last time. I order the chocolate chip and guess what? They're out of it again.  I ask the guy behind the counter what's with the chocolate chip because they were out of it last time. He says "ya we often run out of that flavor because it's very popular." And so I leave and go to the frozen yogurt place up the street.

Am I the only one who thinks there is a problem here?

If you manage a retail eatery and there is something that you often run out of, it's because people like it and they expect you to have it. Just because something is popular is no excuse for running out. French fries at McDonalds are popular and do you think they ever run out? They would be better off closing the place down than to have to tell their customers they ran out of fries. If you want happy customers ORDER MORE!!!

the dirty glass test

If ever you forget which type of restaurant you are dining at there is a simple litmus test that always reveals the answer.

It's called "the dirty glass test".

If your "glass" is in fact paper or plastic then you are enjoying fast food. The good thing about fast food is you rarely receive a dirty glass. And if you did you'd simply toss it in the trash and get a new one. It's that simple.

If you notice a smudge on your glass and you hail the waiter to report it and the waiter takes the reported glass and holds it up to the light and says "that's not dirty, it's just water stains" then you are enjoying casual food at a restaurant like the Cheese Cake Factory or perhaps Islands. Usually the new glass will be clean and if it's not, tough.

You know you are dining fine when you report a dirty glass and the waiter swoops in and ushers the dirty glass away without even inspecting it. It's as if the waiter is embarrassed that you had to go through that experience. And to point out a subtle difference at the fine restaurant most often the waiter will inspect the new replacement glass to make sure this time they get it right.

If ever you're unsure where you are try it for yourself.

one roll versus two

Some bathroom stalls have one big monster size roll of toilet paper while others have two medium size rolls.

Why is this?

There are two reasons for super sizing and opting for one big roll. The first is obvious. Why does Costco super size everything? Because it's cheaper to produce in large quantities and therefore provides a discount to the consumer. The same is true for toilet paper. The bigger the roll the less it costs per sheet. The second advantage to having a big roll is that it needs to be changed less often which results in less maintenance costs.

What advantage does two rolls have over one?

Imagine what happens when the maintenance person checks up on the big roll and notices that there is only a small amount left. He ends up replacing it and discarding the remainder to avoid anyone from running out of paper while doing their business. But with two rolls usually one completely runs out before the other and the maintenance person can replace just the empty roll and leave the other to be fully depleted. This essentially allows the maintenance person to replace half of the supply.

This is somewhat analogous to fueling up your car. Imagine in the extreme case that you had to wait until your tank was completely empty before you could get more gas. You'd have difficulty timing it perfectly so that you ran out of gas just as you pulled into the station. And if you did still have some gas left you'd have to discard it. Even better than two rolls we are able to fill up our gas tank anytime even if we have almost a full tank.

So does that lead us to thinking that the more rolls the better? Yes and no but that's a topic for another day.

choosing your stall

First there is the next-stall method where you choose the next available stall and don’t really pay attention to the aesthetic factors or the usage statistics. These people generally are in and out in less than two minutes and often skip the hand washing exercise. They never use a paper towel to guard the door handle on the exit and they think Purell is cat food.

Second is the most-popular-stall method which is where people won’t use the stall which they think gets used the most, which is usually the closest one to the entrance but not always. They then rank the remaining stalls in decreasing order of usage and choose the next best one on the list. These people always wash their hands and almost always use paper towel to open the door but they may skip the paper towel on the door if someone else is present.

Third is the preferential-stall method which is where you use the following factors with weights assigned to each: flush method (auto vs. manual), stall cubic layout, horizontal space, coat hooks, flush sound and spray, auto flush sensitivity, lighting, door gap, temperature, and that’s just to name a few. This person often washes their hands before the stall and never misses a thorough scrubbing after. They never activate a manual flush and they actually prefer manual to automatic because of toxic flush fumes. For these folks touching the door handle is not an option. If there are no paper towels then they wait it out until the next visitor shows up and they then sneak out with a foot hold. And when they return to their desk they apply the finishing touch, two pumps of Purell.

And of course there are hybrid methods where you mix and match different methods.